Me right now.
Rambling(don’t read this)
My life feels like it’s tumbling down lately and I really don’t know what to do. My state of mind is one thing, but even the things around me and falling. I’m trying my best to just be constantly active and doing things to try and get my mind off of whatever my mind is on. I don’t even KNOW what the problem is, really. There’s a multitude of things going on but are any of them even really that big of an issue? Most deal with money. I still haven’t gotten my federal tax return, I wish it’d show up in the mail and save me(even though I’d spend it in a day, maybe two). Regardless of all of that, I just sorta feel… off. Empty, maybe. I try to talk about it with people but that doesn’t always help. I just want them to say certain things and then what’s the point of talking at all? It’s just filler at that point.
I’m having trouble showing up to school. Maybe Spring Break will help, but honestly it could just make it worse. I got a truancy ticket the other day. Now I have to show up to court for the first time in my life, wee. My friends are telling me to say stupid excuses but I don’t really care to do that, I’ll just pay the ticket and tell them why I didn’t go to school.
But the problem is, I don’t know why I haven’t been going to school. I don’t know why I suddenly have a dislike for most of the people in my life. I don’t know why the only place I feel comfortable writing all of this is a place where no one will see it.
I want help. I don’t want help. I want it. I don’t. I NEED it. But I’m okay by myself. That’s what I constantly tell myself at least.
“Go get help from a therapist, I can’t help you!" But I don’t want that. The cost is far too much to tell someone who doesn’t give a shit about me. But then that brings up the point of- who really gives a shit about ANYONE but themselves? Everything’s for personal gain. You help out around your school to make a resume or college app look good, you help an older person across the road to make everyone know how good you are. You donate to charity for the same reason.
I need to pay my ticket.
Elliott Smith - Miss Misery
I’ll fake it through the day
with some help from Johnny Walker red
send the poison rain down the drain
to put bad thoughts in my head
I feel like everybody thinks I just want to sit in little dark rooms and look depressed in my photos. There’s never any color or light, but I love color so much.
Modest Mouse - Custom Concern
"Message read on the bathroom wall
It said I don’t feel at all like I thought
And we’re losing all touch, losing all touch
Building a desert.”